September 2007 Archives
There are many ways to measure success. One of them being: The number of nickels you receive from charities.
Recently, a charity mailed me a whole nickel. This raises the amount of money I've received from charities over the years by infinity percent. You too can be a success story just like me. Just follow these simple instructions:
(1) Visit the LA Zoo to get your name into their database
(2) Wait for them to submit your home address to Childrens' Hospital of Los Angeles
(3) Receive your fortune
All thanks to the Children's Hospital's Not-For-Profit marketing campaign! Not-For-Profit! You don't say!
Recently, a charity mailed me a whole nickel. This raises the amount of money I've received from charities over the years by infinity percent. You too can be a success story just like me. Just follow these simple instructions:
(1) Visit the LA Zoo to get your name into their database
(2) Wait for them to submit your home address to Childrens' Hospital of Los Angeles
(3) Receive your fortune
All thanks to the Children's Hospital's Not-For-Profit marketing campaign! Not-For-Profit! You don't say!
The envelope.
I've got to know!
Not this one!
The best part about all of this is they repeatedly use the phrase "to help children battling for their lives!" They print it once, emboldened, on at least every page and (obviously) on the envelope. It sounds serious so I decided to read their plight.
Apparently, as many as 13,000 accidents occur every year to elementary-age children who injure themselves at school, mainly on unsafe (non-padded) playground equipment. Here I was picturing a romanized "gladiatorgarten" where children duel each other for sport, the last SnackPack, and more importantly: "For their lives!"
Scarier yet is the contradictory statement printed in the paragraph just prior, that announces 2.2 million children are injured while attending school. My calculator informs me, "But that implies 2,187,000 of those injuries are intentional! How can this be?" Even character map is skeptical. ( ¿¿¿ )
Also enclosed is a plea to send the nickel back containing their favorite slogan, in case I had missed it.
"Don't forget to return the enclosed nickel - we need every nickel to help children battling for their lives!"
How sad. These children are at war and the hospital is mailing out the very nickels they use for sustenance, or to forge weapons, or however it is that they use them.
In addition to the blood-nickel, I received about 50 self-addressed stickers with both me and my girlfriend's name on them. This is in fact quite thoughtful. I shall remember to thank the machine that mass-produced these, if I decide at some point to go in the hole -$0.36 to send the nickel back.
Apparently, as many as 13,000 accidents occur every year to elementary-age children who injure themselves at school, mainly on unsafe (non-padded) playground equipment. Here I was picturing a romanized "gladiatorgarten" where children duel each other for sport, the last SnackPack, and more importantly: "For their lives!"
Scarier yet is the contradictory statement printed in the paragraph just prior, that announces 2.2 million children are injured while attending school. My calculator informs me, "But that implies 2,187,000 of those injuries are intentional! How can this be?" Even character map is skeptical. ( ¿¿¿ )
Also enclosed is a plea to send the nickel back containing their favorite slogan, in case I had missed it.
"Don't forget to return the enclosed nickel - we need every nickel to help children battling for their lives!"
How sad. These children are at war and the hospital is mailing out the very nickels they use for sustenance, or to forge weapons, or however it is that they use them.
In addition to the blood-nickel, I received about 50 self-addressed stickers with both me and my girlfriend's name on them. This is in fact quite thoughtful. I shall remember to thank the machine that mass-produced these, if I decide at some point to go in the hole -$0.36 to send the nickel back.
I've given a lot of thought about writing, and why someone would want to make a blog. I'm not sure where to begin so will instead share with you my most recent thoughts -- completely uncensored.
I wonder if I should write a blog?
What makes a good writer?
Is writing ability proportional to social skill?
I wonder if I can display my inner-most thoughts in graph form?
Was the time it took to put together a (hopefully) legitimate looking visual aid worth this joke?
How about this one?
Man, these graphs look so official. I feel like a scientist. I could do with one more.
Okay. I've successfully exploited the graph to make myself laugh and also inflate the length of this post. All in a day's work. Time to go and celebrate.
I wonder if I should write a blog?
What makes a good writer?
Is writing ability proportional to social skill?
I wonder if I can display my inner-most thoughts in graph form?
Was the time it took to put together a (hopefully) legitimate looking visual aid worth this joke?
How about this one?
Man, these graphs look so official. I feel like a scientist. I could do with one more.
Okay. I've successfully exploited the graph to make myself laugh and also inflate the length of this post. All in a day's work. Time to go and celebrate.
